Conscious Intimate Relationships
“Jesus said: ‘When you make the male and the female one and the same … then you will enter the Kingdom of God.’” Gospel of Thomas
Probably most of us have been in karmic relationships where one plus one was less than two ( 1+1 <2), where both partners could not blossom fully, and where endless loops of fight-flight, passive-aggressive, chaser-pursued, or some other variation, played out. So much of this happens due to our karma as we are called to pay off our karmic debts, sometimes with a huge interest. But the good news is that once the karmic debt load becomes lighter, a truly conscious divine intimate relationship becomes possible.
Now that I am single, having burned through considerable relationship karma, and opening from my heart center to attract a conscious intimate partnership, I have been asking myself what this type of a relationship might feel like based on non-dual Tantric teachings.
The chapter on yogic progression in my book Sacred Repose explores the natural progression of the expansion of one’s consciousness during the spiritual journey as 1) contact, 2) union, 3) absorption, 4) pervasion, 5) repose. This is both a linear and a non-linear journey from immanence to transcendence. It is linear in the sense that it is a natural progression and non-linear in that even in the beginning stages we can have glimpses of the higher stages. I believe that the same progression can be applied to a conscious intimate relationship between two people where the immanence of contact ultimately blossoms into the most intimate meeting of all – the mystical meeting of two human beings as one transcendental consciousness.
I don’t think that this relationship framework is idealistic, but our divine birthright once we emerge from our mandatory karmic relationships. In fact, it might inspire us to burn karma faster. The general blueprint we have all bought into as a human collective is that we have to suffer our way into happiness. However, we don’t have to, especially when we get to a point where we have burned a lot of our karma and consciously enter into an intimate partnership out of lightness and joy and with one purpose only – liberation for both partners in service to all beings. This is a divine partnership.
CONTACT. Connection of two separate individuals. Contact happens on multiple levels: values, mental and emotional alignment, sense of humor, physical attraction, physical touch, etc. For example, the simple custom that some cultures have of frequent physical touch during the day can be incredibly healing and grounding. Moreover, it is a constant reminder to be right here, right now, to get out of one’s mind and be truly 100% present with our partner. Presence is the best gift we can give another human being. Whatever the connection medium – frequent touch, conversations, etc., it is both the frequency and quality of connection that is important.
Conscious, consistent, and deepening contact on multiple levels over time helps grind down one's ego and the tendency to think and care mostly about oneself. This is a purification process that flowers into selflessly serving, giving, and living from an open heart. If there is a heart cakra connection between two people, when issues related to the lower cakras arise, they can easily be resolved from a heart space. This heart-centricity is the surest way for busting egoic tendencies and gradually deepening the connection. In my experience, relationships based mostly on the cakras below the heart ultimately fail or if the people continue to stay together, they are unhappy, and the partnership as a vehicle for spiritual growth is diminished.
I find the cakra model of relationships very insightful. First cakra (root) based relationships are about physical security. For example, one of the partners might rely on the other for financial support, housing, and food. This is totally fine of course, but over time the partner relying on the other for security might feel disempowered and the provider might feel resentful, if the relationship is mostly based on the first cakra. The second cakra (sacral) is about creative energy including sexual energy. A lot of relationships start this way, but the issue over time becomes the ability of both partners to sustain the sexual charge. Third cakra (navel) is about personal power. When one partner needs the other to feel good about themselves, this is not sustainable over time. This includes a subconscious need to be in a dysfunctional relationship just because being in a relationship is expected by society, family, or friends. It is by nurturing and functioning more and more over time from the heart cakra that enlightened relationships can be formed and flourish.
At the level of contact, each connection is like a spark that over time lights the fire of union. Unless we strike the match over and over, the union will be out of reach. Every unresolved argument, disagreement, resentment, etc. is like pouring water on a feeble fire. A blazing fire needs a lot of dry wood, in this case the dry wood from two egos. The more ego offered into the fire, the higher the possibility of a divine union.
This is how we move from 1 + 1 < 2 to 1 + 1 =2. True connection is about true equality in a divine partnership that blossoms into a sacred union opening seemingly unimaginable prior to that states of being. As this stage matures, we truly and deeply begin to see our partner as a beautiful sovereign divine creation and when we say, “I see you,” we not only really mean it, but feel it deeply within. I think that one of the deepest human needs we each have is to be seen. And when we feel genuinely seen, we can blossom and melt into a much-expanded level of being.
UNION. Union of the two partners. This stage is the blossoming of the connection stage. It is first the merging of the polarity of masculinity and femininity into ecstasy during tantric sex. It is as if the tantric exchange is alchemizing the two polarities into union, resulting in the dissolution of boundaries. Where one partner ends and the other begins and vice versa becomes a blur. It is an energetic melting into each other as the energy of the lower cakras gets purified in the heart cakra. The sacral cakra also gets purified and as a source of all creative energies, it can be easier and consciously channeled into all kinds of creative pursuits, including art, manifesting prosperity, giving one more energy to selflessly serve, etc. Over time, the lifting of the energy from lower cakras into the heart for both partners becomes automatic and effortless and the bond between the two becomes very deep.
However, that does not mean that the partners get lost in each other. On the contrary, it is the expansion of one’s polarity into the opposite one as a separate individual, while also expanding one’s energy field and awareness together with the partner as a union of Śiva and Śakti on planet Earth.
As a result, the man will embrace his hidden feminine qualities and the woman her hidden masculine qualities. This does not mean that the man will experience a mad rush to start knitting and that the woman will sign up for a firefighting workshop. This is simply the expansion into a completeness of being as one begins to absorb the opposite polarity into one’s conditioned up to this point being. Prior to this expansion of being, one’s experience of life is mostly limited by one polarity.
The tantric lovemaking union needs to flow during the day as a deeper connection. Holding hands is no longer simply a way to connect, but a way to invoke the energy of the tantric sex union into everyday life. Each partner will have an enhanced glow overflowing in the immediate environment as a result of a frequent union. Therefore, now we have 1 + 1 = 2 + a divine glow. When the partners look at each other, oftentimes there is a sense of worshipping the other as a divine incarnation. This is not in an intellectual sense, but an experiential energetic sense as the partners are no longer bound by physicality but connect on an energetic level where the distinction between the two begins to melt.
ABSORPTION. Absorption of the polarities into each other. Absorption of masculinity into femininity and vice versa dissolves all polarity between the masculine and the feminine. The union was the meeting of the two opposites and the beginning of the convergence of the two. Here, through absorption, the two polarities completely infuse into each other, obliterating each other into a fullness of being beyond all polarities. This is a subtler energetic level where each partner feels more complete in themselves as they have fully absorbed the opposite polarity.
During tantric sex, absorption happens at the cakras above the heart cakra – eyebrow center and the center of the head. In everyday life, absorption is manifested when the man fully embraces feminine qualities such as intuition, receptivity, surrender, nurture, openness, and all feelings, etc., while the woman embraces masculine qualities such as clarity of direction, ability to see through the clutter of emotions, stability, certainty, etc.
At this level 1 + 1 = 4 as now we have two individuals who have fully embraced and infused the opposite polarity within themselves. Each partner at this level is like a walking fountain of love, oozing freely and unconditionally joy to each other, other people, and the world.
PERVASION. Pervasion of the merged essence of the two partners into and as the universe. Absorption matures into one’s nature pervading the universe. In love making, this happens at the crown cakra and the space above the head. The couple are accessing and basking in universal bliss. During the day, each partner is absorbed in the joy of being. Partners at this level are pure channels of the divine. The divine works through them, the partners are not the doers. They are liberated while alive in a physical body and 1+ 1 = infinity.
John Mann in his intriguing book Divine Androgyny, The Spiritual Path of Mutual Surrender, describes the couple doing nothing in mutual surrender. It seems to me that he is describing this stage where each partner is a pure vessel of the divine.
REPOSE. Reposing in freedom and universal bliss as Śiva and Śakti in perfect balance beyond all duality and polarity. Pervasion blossoms into stillness where partners only repose in pure consciousness itself. There is no doership, differentiation, separation, time, and space. There is only one: 1 + 1 = 1. There is only one knower, reposing in consciousness, bliss, and freedom. In everyday life, just by being in close proximity, or when far from each other, feeling the presence of the other, the couple is infusing repose everywhere.
I wonder if at this stage desire for tantric sex disappears as one is more identified with consciousness and not the body-mind apparatus.
SUMMARY
Karmic relationships: 1 +1 < 2
Contact: 1 + 1 = 2
Union: 1 +1= 2 + divine glow
Absorption: 1 + 1 = 4
Pervasion: 1 +1 = infinity
Repose: 1+ 1=1
What a wonderful journey from immanence to transcendence if we find the right partner.
And when we do, here is the trick - each stage must be fully embodied till the next stage is fully revealed. If connection, i.e., immanence (being right here, right now, with each other), is sporadic, while glimpses of union will be possible, union will be sporadic too until the contact is firm in all life circumstances.
Two people can live together, and the connection can be sporadic. It comes down to alignment of values, commitment to growth, and commitment to each other. When this happens, the couple basks in and grows in a conscious partnership in order to unleash each other’s spiritual potential and to stoke such a blazing fire that all duality is burned into the freedom of universal joy.
Therefore, conscious coupling is a fast track to enlightenment.
